New Godless Religion

December 11th, 2012 No comments

Religco, the founder and owner of the Infinitiaty religion, is Shalampax’s largest and most profitable religion company by far. Rumor has it that the company is now developing a new faith that it is expected to be a strong contender in the religion market space.

I have a usually reliable, if somewhat tired and tiring source within the company who insists on remaining anonymous due to the multiple Interpol warrants filed against her. She is one of the four large-breasted, free-spirited, highly paid in-house massage therapists who provide nude (both massager and massagee), full-body (both massager and massagee) massages to male employees, as well as to female employees who are so inclined. The massages are an employment perk that compensates for slave wages. In their spare time, the massage therapists like to massage themselves when they are alone, and often in front of audiences as well.

My source tells me that Religco is working on a religion that won’t have a god. Instead, the core premise of the religion is that our planet and everything on it—including us—are all part of an elaborate dream of a mortal, Isadora Belle, sleeping on the planet Ruilslu.

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Categories: Business Tags: ,

Coup Attempt Rumors

November 16th, 2012 No comments

There are rumors that there was recently an unsuccessful coup attempt against the Government of Shalampax.

A usually reliable unnamed source said that one of Prime Minister Manexposinghimself’s mistresses—the source refuses to name her—woke the Prime Minister and threatened to tickle him to death unless he turned the reigns of the government over to her. The coup was thwarted when he agreed to pleasure her instead.

Cold water was quickly poured on the coup-attempt story. There are unconfirmed reports that cold water was also poured on Manexposinghimself, but that’s neither here nor there.

Government insiders interviewed by this reporter pointed out that the Prime Minister’s job is forced upon the office-holder because nobody in Shalampax wants the job. It seems too much like work for everyone here. Thus, a coup is highly improbable unless the plotters were hoping to sell the television and movie rights to the coup story.

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Categories: Gossip Tags: , ,

Travel Blog Request

October 20th, 2012 No comments

We received a comment from Freddie Miranda, a travel blogger, on a recent blog post here in Shalampax Speaks. Freddie wanted to interview us for a blog post he hoped to write about our tiny island of Shalampax. Because we forbid tourists on our island, I responded somewhat negatively to his request.

I just received a call from our Prime Minister, Manexposinghimself, demanding that I change my response and that I, instead, encourage Freddie, and all travel bloggers, to write about Shalampax.

Unbeknownst to me and just about everyone outside of the government, the Government of Shalampax is considering changing its long-standing policy against tourism. A limited tourist trade may soon be allowed here.

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Categories: Miscellaneous Tags: , ,

Ergophobia Epidemic

October 8th, 2012 2 comments

Researchers at the Shalampax Medical Clinic claim that Shalampax is suffering one of its frequent major epidemics of ergophobia, a fear of work. However, there is still considerable vociferous debate among the researchers as to whether my use of the word “suffering” is appropriate. Many of them think it would be more accurate to say, “enjoying.”

The researchers came to their diagnosis of an ergophobia epidemic not as the result of any scientific studies, but rather by listening to frequent anecdotal evidence told to them during the many long, consecutive days that they spent—and are still spending—hanging out at the pub.

Despite being reasonably certain that this is an ergophobia epidemic, psychiatry and psychology professionals have not yet been able categorically confirm that diagnosis. Ergophobia is particularly difficult to diagnose in Shalampax because most Shalampaxians are extraordinarily lazy by nature.

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Categories: Miscellaneous Tags:

Rats

October 2nd, 2012 No comments

Shalampax had been rat-free for at least three decades. That changed recently. I feel obliged to report that at least one rat, and almost certainly more, scurried onto our shores from the supply ship that managed to dock here three months ago.

Considering how many rats there are here now—just three months and no more than three rat generations later—it’s likely that at least one female of the newly resident rats, and likely multiple females, were already pregnant when they took up residence here. At the very minimum, if only one rat crossed over onto our island from the ship, it was definitely female, definitely pregnant, and definitely a very prolific breeder.

I don’t need to tell you what this means to Shalampaxians, but I’ll tell you anyway. Rottentomato is now serving a new meat in the “Carnivores’ Surprise” daily special at his restaurant, Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant.

I haven’t tried the current version of the Carnivores’ Surprise, but I’m looking forward to doing so. I would have preferred to keep this information to myself so I could visit the restaurant at my leisure, but journalistic integrity forced me to report the news as it became available to me. Besides, Rottentomato is promoting the hell out of his new dish, so there wasn’t much point in trying to keep it a secret.

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Categories: Miscellaneous Tags: , ,

Economic Action Plan

September 24th, 2012 No comments

Filthylucre, Shalampax’s Minister of Finance, has developed an economic action plan that is a stroke of pure genius. No, let me stop myself right there. “Genius” doesn’t begin to describe its sagacity. Even “super-awesomely brilliant” would be damning it with faint praise.

What is truly amazing is that, despite the phenomenal value that it will generate, not just for Shalampax, but for the whole world, the entire plan consists of only the following five simple steps:

  1. Design, engineer and build two pairs of undersea railway tubes. One pair will allow for bi-directional railway traffic between Shalampax and the United States. The other pair will allow for bi-directional railway traffic between Shalampax and China.??

    Due to ventilation issues in such a long undersea tube, the trains will have to use electric propulsion rather than diesel engines. The trains will also have to be fitted with air scrubbers for any human-inhabited cars.

    ??The optimal technology for this project would be magnetic levitation but, due to the high cost of maglev, we’ll use more conventional electric locomotives because we recognize need to make sacrifices in pursuit of fiscal restraint.

  2. Thanks to our religion and spam industries, Shalampax is the richest country in the world, both on an absolute and a per-capita basis. However, all of the country’s capital—both government and private—is tied up in overseas investments. Besides, as astronomical as our wealth is, it would still not be enough to finance this gargantuan project.

    ??Therefore, the Government of Shalampax will borrow all of the necessary funds from the world’s largest banks, the world’s medium sized banks, and the world’s small banks—i.e., all banks—as well as from other countries’ sovereign wealth funds. The government will use its worldwide holdings of wholly owned companies as collateral for these loans.

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