Beginning with the next school year, the Shalampax school board will require that all grade ten students take a full-year course on the Egyptian god Horus. Historians have traced the cult of Horus back to at least 2700 BC.
The story of Horus is noted for its similarities to the story of Christ. Consequently, because Horus predated Christ, some people think that at least some portions of Christianity evolved from the Horus story.
Today, there are no known serious followers of Horus. However, no one has checked the mental health institutions for instances of inane (or insane) followers. So, who knows?
Many people cannot understand why the school board would include a mandatory course on an extinct religion in its curriculum. A Shalampax school board spokesperson explained it by saying, “It is only by examining our past that we can understand our present and help to shape our future. By studying the antecedents of today’s religions and secular philosophies we can see the roots of their evolution and, in doing so, better comprehend their underlying driving forces.”
Hey peeps, you’ll never guess who is garnering attention again or, I should say, trying to garner attention again. That’s right, it’s our own little celebrity-in-her-own-mind, Openfly.
Get this. Openfly is determined to be interviewed on air by Oprah. Yes, you read that right. Openfly wants to be interviewed by that non-Shalampaxian, richer-than-rich, mega-super-star, Oprah.
What could have ever led Openfly to believe she might get an Oprah interview is totally beyond me.
True, Openfly is the most beautiful woman in Shalampax, but that’s not much of a competitive field, now is it? In international beauty contests, most Shalampaxian women would lose to a malformed piece of haggis. It wouldn’t even be close.
The Government of Shalampax today announced that it would join the European Union, Canada, Australia and, in fact, the vast majority of countries in the free world in abolishing capital punishment.
This decision is of little practical application as most Shalampaxians are far too lazy to do anything that is considered to be a crime in Shalampax. (Most forms of fraud are not merely legal here, but also vigorously encouraged.) We don’t allow any foreigners to visit our republic so crimes are rarely committed in Shalampax. Thus, there has been little cause for punishment, capital or otherwise.
Before one reads too much into this pronouncement on the part of the government, it should be noted that the decision was not taken for moral, ethical or political reasons. It was purely practical.
The shift key on our judge’s keyboard broke. Rather than fixing or replacing it, it has been decided that, henceforth, all judgments will be issued in lower case only.
A teacher recently issued a failing grade on a paper submitted by one of her students. I know what you’re saying, “This is the first post from this new correspondent, Poopydiaper, and she starts off by telling us something that’s not news.”
I’ll grant you that a student receiving a failing grade on a paper is hardly news. That’s particularly true here in Shalampax, where failing is the rule, not the exception. What makes this story news is that the student’s mother and father, Rotteddriftwood and Slutwearingmicromini, respectively, appealed the grade to the school board. They won their appeal and had an “A” assigned to the paper instead.
Here’s what happened. When the 23-year-old student, Roastedrat, turned in his paper to his grade nine teacher, Albatrossoverhead, alarm bells immediately went off in Albatrossoverhead’s head.
“I suspected plagiarism right away,” explained Albatrossoverhead. “The paper used multisyllabic words and the words were all spelled correctly. Those achievements had eluded Roastedrat up to that point in the term.”
I am very happy to be able to pass this news along. The government is in the process of procuring robotic vacuum cleaners that will be used in the hallways of Shalampax’s building. We should see these little marvels begin their work within the next few weeks.
The government felt this was a necessary procurement as most Shalampaxian adults have been scraping the tops of their heads on our hallways’ ceilings. And some of the taller among us have developed what might now be a permanent stoop.
No one is certain, but it is expected that the clearance in the hallways will increase by a minimum of one foot, and possibly two feet, once all of the dust is gone.
There will be at least one drawback to this policy decision. Walking in the hallways is expected to be considerably harder on the knees as the dust has been providing natural cushioning for our stone floors. (Exploratory digging through the dust has verified that the floors are, indeed, stone.)
Prime Minister Manexposinghimself today announced proudly and with great fanfare that Shalampax will finally sign the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT). In doing so, we will join the vast majority of the nations of the world, including the original “nuclear five” of the United States, Russia, Britain, France and China.
Manexposinghimself made a point of telling his internal and international audiences that he firmly committed himself to this decision despite being totally baffled as to why the treaty is most often abbreviated as NPT rather than NN-PT. He considered this to be a major impediment to Shalampax’s signing of the treaty, but he said that it was an hurdle that he was willing to overcome if it would help to create a better world.
Despite expressing strong support, the prime minister did put two conditions on his decision. He said he would sign the NPT only if: Read more…