Archive for August, 2009

Personal Hygiene Day

August 31st, 2009 9 comments

Today is National Personal Hygiene Day in Shalampax. To celebrate this holiday, all Shalampaxians are expected to shower or take a bath today. National Personal Hygiene Day comes but once a year, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask Shalampaxians to make the effort required to bathe on this special day. Your family, your neighbors and, if you work, your coworkers will thank you.

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Categories: Events Tags: , , ,

Stoop and Scoop Law

August 30th, 2009 2 comments

Shalampax’s parliament is into its seventeenth consecutive day of debate on a proposed bill. If passed, the act will require that all dog-owners pick up and dispose of any poop that their dogs drop on the hallways and other public areas of Shalampax’s building. All other parliamentary business has been suspended until the current debate and, presumably, the eventual enacting of the bill, is complete.

There is little doubt that the, as it is called, “Stoop and Scoop the Frigging Poop Act” will eventually be passed in some form. The debate now revolves around the details.

What grade of plastic should be required in the bags that dog-owners use to pick up and transport the poop? How should the bags be fastened shut so as to minimize the odors emitted before the bags can be dropped down the garbage chute? How large should the fines be for people who fail to comply with the law? Should repeat offenders receive jail sentences? And so on.

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Computer-Based Religion

August 29th, 2009 2 comments

Mothsmating is Shalampax’s only computer hacker. To be honest, the rest of us are challenged by the on/off switches on our computers.

Not satisfied with the hundreds of millions of dollars she has earned by hacking into the computer systems of banks around the world, and inspired by the enormous success of Shalampax’s cult religion industry, Mothsmating has initiated the planning phase of a scheme to launch her own cult religion.

She is still in the early stages of the design of the cult religion, but the basic premise is that, despite appearances to the contrary, none of us are of flesh, bone and blood. Instead, we are all characters in a massive computer game.

Naturally, the deity in this cult religion is the game’s programmer, who just happens to be Mothsmating.

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Categories: Business Tags: , , ,

Responsible Drinking Lecture

August 28th, 2009 4 comments

Jealousy does not arise often in Shalampaxians. We’re usually much to lazy and apathetic to bother being jealous.

Nonetheless, Emptybucket has become intensely envious of the success of Toiletoverflowing’s philosophy lecture series. (In Shalampax, a lecture is considered to be successful if two or more people attend, at least one of whom stays awake for 40 percent or more of the lecture.)

To get back in the game and attempt to rival Toiletoverflowing’s success, Emptybucket has revived his intermittent lecture series. Unlike Toiletoverflowing, Emptybucket does not have an overarching theme for his series. Instead, he talks about any thoughts that manage to penetrate his head at the time. Knowing Emptybucket’s mental capacity, it is hard to imagine that he’ll be giving any more than one or two lectures per month.

If Emptybucket can maintain the quality that he demonstrated in his most recent talk, I think he can give Toiletoverflowing a real run for his money.

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Staging Hamlet

August 27th, 2009 4 comments

Hey peeps, I have news from Shalampax’s performing arts scene, such as it is, which is not very much at all.

Word is that Shabbycardigan is getting ready to start rehearsals on a production of Shakespeare’s Hamlet. There’s no news yet on when, if ever, she expects it to open or begin previews.

To say the least, this is a questionable undertaking. The attention span of most Shalampaxians is not adequate to carry them through to the end of a four-word monosyllabic sentence. (This partially explains why almost no Shalampaxians read Shalampax Speaks.)

Under the circumstances, mounting a successful staging in Shalampax of Hamlet, or any of Shakespeare’s other plays for that matter, would be a challenge for the most innovative of directors. And Shabbycardigan is definitely not the world’s most innovative of directors. Hell, to-date, her mind has shown little indication of even being from the same galaxy as directors who are capable of demonstrating the slightest of inventiveness.

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Grocery Inventory System

August 26th, 2009 2 comments

It is not widely known that Shalampaxians have long been paying much higher than necessary food prices to compensate the Shalampax Grocery Store for its disorganization, inefficiency and ineptitude.

When food is imported into Shalampax, before going onto the shelves at the Shalampax Grocery Store, it goes into the store’s stockroom, where much of it is forgotten. Out of sheer incompetence, considerable quantities of food are left in the stockroom well beyond the point when the clerks can still disguise the decay with food dye and acrylic, as is the store’s policy for groceries that have not yet reached that point.

These appallingly wasteful practices are about to end. The Shalampax Grocery Store is getting ready to implement a computer-based inventory system that should guarantee that perishable goods are moved out onto the shelves before they rot beyond repair.

In addition to industry-standard program logic, the system will incorporate some of the most advanced and innovative of fuzzy logic, a technology that has gained much note, but, until now, has seen little use in commercial software.

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