Archive

Archive for October, 2009

Infinitiaty Theology Revision Proposed

October 31st, 2009 4 comments

Religco launched its Infinitiaty cult religion only a short time ago, but it is already a tremendous success, gathering a steady stream of believers daily. Despite the newness and success of Infinitiaty, the Sages of Infinitiaty are already considering a revision to the theology underlying the cult’s religion’s core belief system.

As you know, Infinitiaty is founded on the principle that nothing can come into existence without something causing it to have come into existence. Thus, there must be a god who created our God. And there must be a god who created that god. And so on into an infinite regress of gods. The impossibility of a causeless cause demands no less.

In the beginning, the only possibility that the Sages of Infinitiaty considered was that every god in this infinite hierarchy of gods is an only child. Rethinking this issue, the Sages now recognize that, given the infinite number of gods, it is inevitable that at least some gods, and likely many gods, created multiple child gods, rather than just one.

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Categories: Business Tags: , , ,

Health Advisory #885

October 30th, 2009 4 comments

The Shalampax Medical Clinic has asked me to pass along the following public health advisory. Shalampax privacy conventions, scant though they may be, do not allow me to comment or expand on an advisory of this nature, so I will simply present it verbatim.


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE


Shalampax Medical Clinic; October 30, 2009

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Openfly in California

October 29th, 2009 6 comments

Hi peeps, in my last post I told you about Openfly miraculously stumbling upon Marie in a bar in Honolulu. Here’s the latest. Marie left Hawaii yesterday and returned to her place in California. Before going, she invited Openfly to join her. Openfly, not having anything better to do, went.

Openfly assures me that she is in the United States legally. She claims that, on the advice of Marie, she checked in with an office of the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (CIS) shortly after docking in Honolulu and sharing a drink or two or three with Marie. According to Openfly, CIS granted her a B-2 tourist visa that allows her to stay in the United States for up to six months.

I find this rather bizarre because very few countries recognize Shalampax. And among those handful of nations that do acknowledge our country, none, to the best of my knowledge, recognizes our passports due to the fact that they are printed on newsprint using a cheap inkjet printer and the picture is stapled on.

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A Higher Spirit

October 28th, 2009 4 comments

There is nothing more uplifting than the soul of a being of flesh and blood that rises up high above its corporeal body to experience life on a far loftier plane.

There is nothing more beautiful than two souls who have merged in a bond of everlasting, unconditional, true love to form a single whole that is far more sublime than the sum of its previously separate parts could ever be.

There is nothing more glorious than the melding of the collective spirits of a people of mutual faith who unite in a fellowship of humanity unified through a pure energy that exudes peace and love.

There is no one more full of shit than I am.

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Categories: Sprituality Tags: , ,

Parliamentary Lock-Up

October 27th, 2009 4 comments

If anyone knows who has keys to the chambers of Shalampax’s Parliament please call the parliamentary office immediately. There is no record of who has been given keys or who has been assigned the role of Parliament Security Officer. And the people who have a very urgent need to know these things can’t remember who the key-holders might be.

Parliament is in recess this week and for the following two weeks as well, so you would think that the lack of a key wouldn’t be a serious problem. Unfortunately, last Friday, before they were scheduled to rise for their three-week-long recess, all Members of Parliament fell asleep at their desks. As is often the case, they all slid off their chairs and dozed comfortable on the floor.

What happened next is not entirely certain, but the current thinking is that the Parliament Security Officer, whoever he or she may be, came by sometime after Parliament was scheduled to recess, took a look inside, didn’t see the Members of Parliament because they were resting quietly under there desks, and locked up Parliament.

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Openfly Stumbles Upon History

October 26th, 2009 4 comments

Peeps, if you’ve been reading Shalampax Speaks for some time, you’ve likely been wondering what happened to Openfly. To be perfectly honest, so have I. For about four months now, neither she nor Doctor Don have responded to any of my many emails.

I was beginning to think that the ship they were on had sunk with all hands—not to mention all other body parts—lost. But no, Openfly is very much alive and she’s finally gotten back in touch with me.

The first news to tell you is that the experiment in which Dr. Don was trying to disprove his own hypothesis that Shalampaxians are not Homo sapiens has ended. As you’ll remember, in that experiment, Dr. Don, who is presumably Homo sapiens, was trying to impregnate Openfly, who is very much a Shalampaxian.

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