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Archive for November, 2009

Visa Verdict

November 30th, 2009 4 comments

Peeps, the debate in Parliament over whether to give visitors’ visas to Marie and MadMadMargo was the most vociferous that anyone in Shalampax can remember. That’s not saying much because it’s typically difficult to differentiate between debating and snoozing in the Shalampax Parliament. Nonetheless, there was considerable fervor this time.

The debate about MadMadMargo split almost perfectly on gender lines. The men took one look at MadMadMargo’s picture and insisted that a visa must be granted; the sooner the better. They are all convinced that they will be able to woo her when she arrives. Saliva was seen to be involuntarily drooling out of the sides of the mouths of some male Members of Parliament while they debated.

The only male parliamentarian who seemed disinterested in whether or not MadMadMargo visits was Pinkstone, who is gay.

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Roll Call

November 29th, 2009 10 comments

If you’re reading this, please leave a comment to let us know you’re here. It doesn’t have to be anything substantial. I can be as simple as, “I’m here.”

If you’re not reading this, consider yourself excused from commenting.

Of course, feel free to say more than “I’m here” if you so desire. We believe strongly in allowing our readers to practice their free speech rights because we can always delete their asinine comments if they displease us in the least or if we’re just in the mood to delete them.

Why am I asking you to check in by leaving a comment? I’ve bet a couple of people here that we have three readers. The only other bets on the table are two readers and one reader.

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Categories: Miscellaneous Tags:

Mime Show

November 28th, 2009 4 comments
Moldybread the Mime

Moldybread the Mime

Moldybread, who is infamous for his disastrous weather balloon experiment, has been studying the art of mime through a free online course that he found on the Web. His studies almost ended in tragedy when, while a rehearsing a performance piece, he became trapped in his imaginary box and couldn’t get out.

Moldybread was stuck in the box for more than a day. Fortunately, on the day after first becoming trapped, his wife wasn’t sleeping with anyone else that night so she came home. She found Moldybread, led him by the hand out of the imaginary box through the imaginary door that Moldybread was unable to imagine, gave him some water to hydrate him, and had sex with him because, like I said, she wasn’t sleeping with anyone else that night.

Thanks to his study of mime, Moldybread did not make a sound during most of the sex, but he was unable to squelch a moan when he climaxed. His wife, on the other hand, moaned loudly throughout and screamed when she had an orgasm. She hates mimes.

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Musical Geography

November 27th, 2009 2 comments

You would think that students on a miserable little island, such as Shalampax, with nothing to see and nowhere to go would be interested in learning about the wider world. However, if you think that about Shalampaxian students you are wrong. Our students generally show a complete lack of interest in geography class.

Leakycondom, the new geography teacher at the Shalampax school, thinks the problem is not the students, but rather the dry way that geography was taught by her predecessors. Leakycondom is determined to change that.

(Non sequitur aside: They never admitted it, but rumor has it that Leakycondom’s parents broke with Shalampaxian tradition when they named her. Rather than naming Leakycondom after something they saw after she was born they named her after something they noticed with regret after she was conceived.)

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Marie’s Maternal Love

November 26th, 2009 4 comments

Hi peeps. If you read the comments on my previous column you’ll know that, upon learning for certain that Marie is her biological mother and a Shalampaxian is her biological father, MadMadMargo had some questions for Marie.

Specifically, MadMadMargo asked, “Will Marie want to meet me? Will Marie like me?” She went on to suggest that Marie might want to join her in visiting Shalampax. This assumes, of course, that the Shalampax parliament approves her visit and waives the usual cannibalizing treatment of visitors. (There is still no word from Parliament on that, but I expect a decision within days.)

I sent these questions to Openfly, who posed them to Marie.

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Rogue Wave

November 25th, 2009 4 comments

As all Shalampaxians know, a rogue wave struck our island yesterday. Not only did it wash over our plateau, but the wave reached right up to the third floor of our building.

Fortunately, our bullet-proof windows and the building’s waterproofing held, so there was no water damage. However, the building shook so much when the wave hit that the contents of many cupboards and shelves ended up on the floor. The result was a lot of broken dishes.

Until The Shalampax Department Store is able to get a new supply of tableware, many people will have to share plates and glasses during meals. Or they can eat directly off the table and drink from the bottle.

There was an upside to this rogue wave. Hundreds of fish were beached on the top of our plateau. In addition, a humpback whale was wedged between two palm trees.

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Categories: Miscellaneous Tags: