I am pleased to announce that Tuboflard, the Chief Medical Officer at the Shalampax Medical Clinic, is having great success with her diet. She has already lost almost one hundred pounds.
She has succeeded in her diet by taking the occasional break from eating rather than eating continuously throughout the day as she did in the past. I fear that she might have to go a little further if she’s going to continue to lose weight.
Now, because of her poundage, she burns off a tremendous number of calories just carrying around all of her fat whenever she walks somewhere. The number of calories she burns per minute will decline as her weight declines.
Tuboflard tells me that, for the first time in her adult life, she can now visually confirm that she does, indeed, have feet. Although, to do so, she has to bend far enough to form an almost 90 degree angle. Unfortunately, she still requires help to get back up after bending down.
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Few people know this, but yesterday was Shalampax Pride Day. In fact, as far as I can tell, one or two people in the government were aware of that, but no one else was.
The problem is that Manexposinghimself, under his executive authority as Prime Minister, unilaterally issued the proclamation setting aside yesterday as Shalampax Pride Day just before Parliament was shut down or, in the parliamentary vernacular, prorogued to commemorate National Democracy Month throughout January. Because there was no one around to do so, the proclamation was not published publicly.
Just to be clear, in this case, “Pride” refers to national pride, not gay pride; not, as they say, that there is anything wrong with that.
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The Shalampax school board has decided to include a course on Shalampax history in the eighth-grade curriculum. The course will be taught every year on the first Tuesday of October from 10:00 a.m. to 10:23 a.m.
To liven up the class and ensure that students do not become to bored, the students will be given a 10-minute recess in the middle of the class. During the course, alcoholic beverages will be served to any eighth-grade students who are 19 years of age or older.
Some people have complained that Rolledjoint, the Workplace Safety Inspector that the government appointed some months ago, has been lax in her duties. These accusations stem from the fact that she rarely goes into her office more than once every two weeks and has never visited any other workplaces.
In answer to those people who have complained, I can reliably report that Rolledjoint did go into her office yesterday, but she will be out of commission for at least the next few weeks and possibly for a couple of months.
Yesterday, Rolledjoint went into her office to remove graffiti that someone had painted on the bare rock walls of her office. A couple of days prior, she bought some acid that she was going to use for this purpose. Because buying the acid was more work than she wanted to do that day, she left it in a bucket just inside her office doorway and went home.
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Hi peeps. I’m sorry about being negligent in publishing transcripts of the recordings of Openfly’s conversations with Marie. I haven’t been able to get anyone to pay to have the transcriptions done. I funded the first few out of my own pocket, but enough’s enough.
I convinced Openfly to pay for this transcription, but she didn’t commit to covering the cost of any more, so I can’t promise when I’ll be able to publish the next one.
In this conversation, Marie tells Openfly about her need to explain to Shalampaxians where babies come from. I must admit that it makes my parents’ generation of Shalampaxians look terribly stupid. And you know the old saying, the apple doesn’t fall from the tree.
The following is what Marie told Openfly:
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In case you’re someone who jumps right into the body of an article without even bothering to read the headline that I slaved so hard to craft, allow me to say, Happy 300th!
Yes, that’s right, this is the 300th post here in Shalampax Speaks. Having said that, one must admit that, in the grand scheme of things, there is nothing particularly special about the number 300. It is little different from, say, the number 299 other than the fact that 300 has one more three and two more zeros and one fewer two and two fewer nines than 299.
What’s more, I highly suspect that there is not a single soul on this planet—or any other planet for that matter—who gives a damn about how many articles have been posted here; nor should they give a damn.
So, why am I telling you that this is our 300th post? It’s a hell of a lot easier than writing something that someone might care about. That’s why. So, as I said, Happy 300th!
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