Archive for July, 2010

Tuboflard’s Unemployment Predicament

July 31st, 2010 No comments

Hi peeps. A couple of weeks ago I told you that, because she had lost so much weight that she could no longer serve as a role model for the rest of us to look up to and feel good about our own obesity and lack of fitness, Tuboflard would lose her job as Chief Medical Officer. Well, my prediction came true. She’s unemployed.

This is a major problem for her because it turns out that, not only were morbid obesity and a sedentary lifestyle her only qualifications for the Chief Medical Officer job, but they were also her only qualifications, period. Tuboflard can’t find another job, but she has herself and her triplets to feed, clothe and house. Her future looked bleak.

Fortunately, a solution appeared in the nick of time.

Read more…

Spiritual Blogging

July 30th, 2010 6 comments

Sage Mike, one of those infinitely spiritual folks over at the Church of Infinitiaty, has taken up blogging. As his adopted name implies, Sage Mike is one of the sages of Infinitiaty. His blog, which is blandly called Sage Mike Prattles, answers questions from members of the Church of Infinitiaty and discusses all things Infinitian.

(If you’re looking for the blog on the Church of Infinitiaty’s Web site you’ll find it under the “Outreach” drop-down menu in the menu bar at the top of the Web site.)

I suppose it was inevitable that one of the sages would start blogging. As all ardent bloggers know, blogging is a great excuse for avoiding doing anything useful. In the case of the sages of Infinitiaty, usefulness is measured by how fully they serve every need and whim of the Chief Sage Officer (CSO) and how well they fake wisdom in front of the general public, in that order and mostly the former.

Read more…

Categories: Sprituality Tags: , ,

Parliament Buys Supercomputers

July 29th, 2010 No comments

The Parliament of Shalampax has put in an order for the purchase of five ultra-powerful supercomputers. The sole purpose of these systems will be to output numbers that are generated as randomly as possible.

These random numbers will have 27 decimal places and range between zero and one. The numbers will be used to pick answers to yes-or-no questions. A number below 0.5 will represent a “no” answer. A result above 0.5 will equate to a “no” answer.

With 27 decimal places, the probability that a randomly generated number will exactly equal 0.5 is exceptionally small, but not impossible. If that happens, the number will be thrown out and a new random number—and, therefore, a new yes or no answer—will be generated.

These random number generators will be used exclusively to help Members of Parliament (MPs) who have trouble making up their minds. In short, the systems will tell them how to vote in Parliament.

Read more…


July 28th, 2010 No comments

It might not be readily apparent from the articles here in Shalampax Speaks, but Shalampaxians are a very inquisitive people. We frequently consider the big issues of life.

For example, a common question around here is, “If there are five coconuts very high up in a particularly tall palm tree and one of them falls directly on my head, how many coconuts will there be left up there very high in the particularly tall palm tree?”

Alright, I only said we are inquisitive. I didn’t say we are bright.

Read more…

Categories: Miscellaneous Tags: , ,

Textbook Sales

July 27th, 2010 No comments

Most of the students at The Shalampax School have taken to selling their used textbooks to an international market over the Internet at the end of the school term. They are asking for and getting close to the retail price because, in the case of Shalampax students, “used” is something of a euphemism when employed as a modifier of “textbooks.”

The harsh truth is that most students here rarely open their textbooks. In fact, the majority of the “used” books they are selling are still in their original shrink-wrap packaging.

Read more…

Categories: Education Tags:

Church Bake Sale

July 26th, 2010 No comments

The Church of Paahlm will be holding a bake sale this coming Thursday to raise funds for the Exalted Coconut’s personal slush fund. The sale will be held in the hallway in front of The Third Floor Pub.

It has been more than four months since the church held its last bake sale. The Exalted Coconut felt that it was time for another one because all of the buyers in the last sale have now recuperated from the consequences of consuming the baked goods they purchased.

Read more…

Categories: Sprituality Tags: , ,