Escape from God 148 Piety
I am pleased to report that most Shalampaxians have emaciated themselves into accepting the inescapable truth that forsaking their devout worship of God 148 is the only sane and survivable course of action, despite the inevitability of being denounced as infidels and shunned by those few souls who are still pious in their God 148ly beliefs and deeds. Consequently, the apostates are now on the road to recovery with the help of a much needed, greatly appreciated orgy of gluttonous feasting.
However, because they discovered that they have a fundamental personal shortcoming, not all of my compatriots have been able to follow my path in going cold turkey and completely giving up on religion. Deprived of the benefit of the excuse of God 148′s insistence on strict observance of Her full-week-minus-a-second Sabbath, they are incapable of finding their own reasons for sloth. Rather than forsaking all God-given excuses for indolence and thereby being expected to work what, in most of the developed world, would be considered to be a full workweek, many have reverted fully to Paahlmism, but others have moved their spiritual allegiances a single God down the line in the infinite hierarchy of Infinitiaty’s Gods. They now worship God 147.
God 147 is not as efficient as God 148. Unlike God 148, who created Her universe and all of the creatures in it in less than one second and then rested for the remainder of the week, God 147 took three days to complete His universe- and creature-creating tasks and then rested for four days. Thus, worshippers of God 147 are required to honor only a four-day-per-week Sabbath.
In addition, in contrast to God 148, God 147 does not consider food preparation to be work that is forbidden on The Sabbath. Thus, starvation is not the problem that it is for God 148 worshippers.
Those who have gone over to God 147 also love the fact that He doesn’t share God 148′s strict commandment against sex out of wedlock. In fact, God 147 forbids marital sex and, instead, insists that His followers have as much uninhibited premarital, extramarital and postmarital sex as they possibly can.
God 147 does, however, demand that His followers practice safe sex. He didn’t create sexually transmitted diseases. Consequently, God 147 cannot protect us from the STDs that God One created to plague us, His human creations, when we promiscuously enjoy the sex organs that God One has given us. Unlike God One, God 147 doesn’t want any harm to come to God One’s creations for the sin of doing what God One caused to come naturally to them. Go figure.
Despite having left the worship of God 148 behind us, dutifully worshipping Her was a profoundly mind-altering experience. The effects have not entirely been cleansed from our bodies, minds and souls, and they likely never will be.
In particular, Manexposinghimself, our Prime Minister, underwent a spectacular change in his personality and perspectives as a result of his recent religious experience.
To say that Manexposinghimself used to be quite parsimonious when it came to the distribution of information about his administration would be like saying that there are quite a few drops of water in the combined total of all the world’s oceans, lakes, rivers, streams, creeks, wells, aquifers, puddles, wash basins and toilets. In the past, Manexposinghimself believed that after he was awarded the Prime Ministership it was then none of anybody’s business what he or any members of his government did. After all, he reasoned, he was Prime Minister—people should just trust him. His philosophy was that the best government was one that was neither seen nor heard, but rather acted aggressively in complete silence and stealth.
During his worship of God 148, Manexposinghimself experienced a significant transformation. He now believes in open government. Had the old Manexposinghimself not been left behind, he would have killed the new Manexposinghimself for such heresy. In fact, there was a hue and cry that forced Manexposinghimself to undergo DNA testing. Much to our surprise it has been confirmed that he is, physically, the same scumbag that he was before.
In accordance with his new political philosophy, Manexposinghimself has ordered all of his Cabinet Ministers to provide completeanswers to every question that a member of the news media—or any citizen, for that matter—asks of them. And, shockingly, he insists that those answers must always be truthful.
Even more surprising, Manexposinghimself sincerely promises that he too will strictly adhere to those dictates.
Recognizing that there will be times when such unremitting frankness may impose hardship on his government, Manexposinghimself has allowed that, while honest answers must be provided in response to every question, those answers need not be responses to the questions asked, as long as there is always a one-to-one correspondence between questions and answers. He and his Cabinet Ministers can, if it suits their purposes or pleasures, choose to answer a question of their own design that has never been spoken aloud.
Under this new policy, Manexposinghimself and his Cabinet Ministers need not say what question they are answering.
During his first press conference after instituting this regulation I asked Manexposinghimself, “How will this policy benefit Shalampaxians?”
Manexposinghimself answered, “by leaps and bounds.”
Feeling empowered by this new government transparency, I moved on and asked a question that I would never have bothered to pose in the past because I knew that it would, in the bad old days, not have elicited a response. Mustering a strong sense of journalistic duty, I boldly queried, “Have you or any of your friends or family ever received any undue rewards from your position as Prime Minister?”
Manexposinghimself did not hesitate for a second. Confidently and with a countenance that projected unquestionable personal integrity, he answered, “hot and unbearably humid.”