Asbestos Hedging
Asskisser, one of Shalampax’s most innovative and successful businesspeople, is busy executing one of her biggest, boldest business brainstorms yet. She is quietly buying up as many of the world’s asbestos mines as she can get her hands on.
Of course, I don’t mean literally “get her hands on.” That stuff is almost certainly carcinogenic. Mesothelioma is a particular concern, among other deadly cancers. But you get my point.
What makes this strategy so clever is that in the world beyond Shalampax there are a great many weak-kneed, lily-livered businesspeople who are nervous about mining and selling asbestos due to fears of cancer. As a result, she can pick up the mines for a song—and not a very good song at that; maybe just a poorly hummed ditty.
It is true that asbestos sales have been declining over the years. Business analysts claim this is due to those aforementioned widespread fears of cancer, particularly mesothelioma. But Asskisser knows that these analysts are full of crap. She has sufficient business acumen to know that the real reason for the decline in asbestos sales is an appalling lack of ingenuity and marketing expertise on the part of asbestos sellers.
It goes without saying that Asskisser will do much, much better. Once she’s captured a large share of the asbestos supply, she will fashion asbestos into miniature trains, marionettes, dollhouses and action figures. Imagine, rather than the flammable wooden toys your kids have now, they will be able to play for hours on end with their new nonflammable asbestos toys—even close to open flames—without any risk of igniting killer fires.
Furthermore, asbestos shirts, pants, jackets and dresses will be pretty much fireproof and, therefore, sure to be huge sellers. And Asskisser’s new line of asbestos underwear will protect men’s, women’s, and children’s privates in the event that the bearers of those private parts are trapped in a fire.
Asskisser will also be coming out with a line of solid asbestos cutting boards. Think about it. If you place a plastic cutting board on a hot stove, it might melt. And a wooden cutting board could catch fire. But your asbestos cutting board will escape these hazards. You can place it right on a superhot stove, chop up stir-fry ingredients, and scrape the ingredients off the board into your sizzling pan, without having to take a single step. Consider the minutes you’ll save over your lifetime by not having to carry the ingredients all the way from a countertop cutting board to the stove.
But wait, there’s more. Building a home is an impossible dream for many poor people because of the high costs. Using today’s super-epoxies, Asskisser will manufacture hard-as-steel, asbestos boards. The best part is that she will lacquer the outside to weatherproof it, negating the need for exterior bricks, wood or siding. And the interior will be covered with decorative gauze so homeowners won’t need to paint or wallpaper the surface of the asbestos that they live with in their homes. And, because of the superior insulating characteristics of asbestos, walls can be made solely of asbestos boards, without the need for any additional insulation layers.
With ideas like these—and more—how can she possibly lose?
Mesothelioma Fears
I know what you’re thinking, “Asbestos? Are you out of your freaking mind? She’ll lose her shirt with all of the huge lawsuits launched by patients with malignant mesothelioma and other asbestos-related cancers. Or, if the patients are no longer around, their grieving families will go after her asbestos company big-time.”
That’s where you grossly underestimate Asskisser. First of all, she never loses her shirt. She’s often charged men money to watch her take it off (anything for a buck), but she’s never lost it. And second, the cancers are the true beauty of Asskisser’s scheme. It’s where her mindboggling business brilliance really shines through.
Asskisser is a renowned master at hedging risks. She has this one covered—and then some. In addition to buying up asbestos mines, she is also building a huge, global law firm that will specialize in malignant mesothelioma and other asbestos-related cancer class-action suits.
When it comes to lawsuits against other asbestos companies, her law firm will be brutally ruthless in pursuing cases to extract the maximum settlement or verdicts possible in mesothelioma and other cancer lawsuits. Of course, the bulk of the money will go to her law firm, not its clients. And, the size of the awards will bankrupt Asskisser’s asbestos competitors, giving her an asbestos monopoly.
Needless to say, she will be much less ruthless in litigating mesothelioma cases against her own mines, but at the first hint of a suit against her asbestos companies, she will use her asbestos customer lists to solicit clients for her law firms before any other firms can get at them. Then she’ll settle cheaply, with the law firm still keeping its rapacious cut of any settlement.
Not only that, but Asskisser is also building global powerhouse corporations in the areas of for-profit cancer care treatment centers, funeral homes, and cemeteries. That way, by vertically and horizontally integrating, she can extract maximum value from all customers throughout the asbestos product lifecycle.
In short, there is no way she can lose. Now that’s what I call having a brain for business! Good luck Asskisser.
