Home > Miscellaneous > Stopping Time

Stopping Time

The Government of Shalampax strongly urges all Shalampaxians to take heed of the following important announcement:

As you know, all clocks in Shalampax are synchronized with a central timekeeping system. The automated synchronization feature of the system is indispensible because it is used each morning to effect the resetting of all of the clocks throughout the country to reflect the diurnal adjustments to our time zone, which are established by daily decree to accommodate the whims and sleeping patterns of our Prime Minister.

Our vital centralized time system is now in desperate need of critical maintenance. My brother, Shalampax’s chief timekeeping system engineer, has informed the government that failure to perform these essential upkeep tasks may result in the time system failing unpredictably. Because these failures would happen randomly, they could occur at the worst possible time, such as when happy hour is about to begin.

If such a failure were to occur, many Shalampaxians would literally lose all track of time. True, most Shalampaxians already ignore the time and do whatever the hell they want whenever the hell they want to do it and damn the consequences, but a clock failure would be different. Shalampaxians would then forfeit the ability to track their insouciance if they so desired.

Admittedly, this is not a major issue, but I think we can all agree that an unexpected clock failure is something that we would prefer to avoid. If you don’t agree then, as my government sources tell me, tough titties.

To accommodate the required timekeeping maintenance work, which will be performed under a contract that the government signed with my brother, the time system will be shut down for 24 hours, from precisely midnight to midnight, next Tuesday. During this period, all clocks in Shalampax will stop.

Needless to say, this could cause unimaginable hardship for people who want to keep important appointments such as an erotic rendezvous, a spam-planning meeting, or happy hour. To avoid this untold havoc, next week’s Tuesday will be postponed. Shalampaxians are advised to sleep for the 24 hours that would otherwise have been Tuesday.

To make the necessary adjustments to the week, the day that would normally have been Wednesday will now be Tuesday and all of your Tuesday appointments will automatically be scheduled on the new Tuesday. Likewise, Thursday will become Wednesday, Friday will become Thursday, and so on.

To get back on track with the rest of the world, the Government of Shalampax will schedule an additional six daylong clock shutdowns over the course of the next 12 months. This will not only get our days of the week back in synch within one year, but it will also provide the added benefit of allowing Shalampax’s party animals to more than catch up on their sleep.

Please note that you have two options if you have a wristwatch that displays the days of the week and/or the date and that watch is not automatically synchronized with the central timekeeping system. You can do either of the following:

  • Follow the government’s advice to sleep during the cancelled 24 hours. That way, you won’t look at your watch at all during the non-day that would otherwise have been Tuesday. Then, manually reset the day and date on your watch as soon as the non-day ends.
  • As the clock strikes midnight to end next Monday, smash your watch and buy a new one twenty-four hours later. As owner of Shalampax’s only watch shop, I promise that I will adjust the day and date on all of the watches in my store, thereby saving you the dreadful time and effort that would otherwise be required of you if you had to adjust your watch yourself. To make this option even more favorable, I’ll be holding a spectacular two-watches-for-the-price-of-three sale on that day. 

  1. No comments yet.