Shalampax Speaks

I am pleased and proud to be able to announce that Shalampax has the lowest rate of deaths from automobile accidents of any country in the world. This is true whether looking at absolute or per-capita statistics.

This is not mere speculation. In what, for me, was an atypical fit of journalistic rigor that came from goodness knows where, I sought the help of the global statisticians community to validate these numbers.

Using information in the databases of one of Shalampax’s spam companies, which cooperated only on the condition of anonymity, I sent emails to 125,523 government and private-sector statisticians from around the world. My email blast included counts of all of the auto-accident deaths in Shalampax over the past 10 years and asked the recipients to confirm that no countries had registered fewer fatalities in that period.

Of the 13 statisticians who responded, 100 percent confirmed that we had the lowest rate of auto-related fatalities in the world. All of the responding statisticians also felt the need to cynically point out that they believed, with a very high degree of confidence, that our low rate of auto-accident deaths can be attributed entirely to the fact that there are no cars in Shalampax. Party poopers.

Be that as it may, let it be exclaimed by one and all that we are definitely the lowest.

To be fair, this is not the first time that Shalampaxians have been called “the lowest.” In fact, in the past, myriad people from around the world—probably everyone who has ever come in contact with us—have referred to Shalampaxians as “the lowest” at one time or another, and often at many times and others. However to the best of my knowledge, it was, until now, never meant as something positive.

We can and should celebrate this victory, but not all of the news on the statistical front is encouraging. While we have the lowest car-related fatalities in the world, we also have, by an exceptionally wide margin, the highest level of injuries due to walking while drunk.

What can I say? People, if you feel the need to drink and walk, please limit yourself to no more than 15 pints of beer—or an equivalent amount of alcohol in other beverages—per hour when you are away from your home.

When you get back to your abode, feel free to continue your binging to a more satisfyingly unconscious conclusion. However, I strongly recommend that you take your booze into the bathroom and drink it while sitting on or leaning over the toilet.

I don’t know about the rest of the world, but in Shalampax accidents in homes occur most frequently in two locations: 1) in bathrooms and 2) on the way to bathrooms, particularly if you are so drunk that you can’t walk straight, or walk at all. And, trust me, if you are going to drink that much and you want to avoid a disgusting mess of urine and/or vomit in the middle of your living room, you are going to need to visit the bathroom frequently. So, why bother to leave the bathroom at all?

Please remember, people, if we all drink responsibly we’ll all be safer and have less disgusting-housecleaning to do.