Rats
Shalampax had been rat-free for at least three decades. That changed recently. I feel obliged to report that at least one rat, and almost certainly more, scurried onto our shores from the supply ship that managed to dock here three months ago.
Considering how many rats there are here now—just three months and no more than three rat generations later—it’s likely that at least one female of the newly resident rats, and likely multiple females, were already pregnant when they took up residence here. At the very minimum, if only one rat crossed over onto our island from the ship, it was definitely female, definitely pregnant, and definitely a very prolific breeder.
I don’t need to tell you what this means to Shalampaxians, but I’ll tell you anyway. Rottentomato is now serving a new meat in the “Carnivores’ Surprise” daily special at his restaurant, Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant.
I haven’t tried the current version of the Carnivores’ Surprise, but I’m looking forward to doing so. I would have preferred to keep this information to myself so I could visit the restaurant at my leisure, but journalistic integrity forced me to report the news as it became available to me. Besides, Rottentomato is promoting the hell out of his new dish, so there wasn’t much point in trying to keep it a secret.
Why, you might ask, am I so excited about eating rat? Freshness is the answer.
The land under Shalampax is capable of supporting the growing or rearing of only coconuts and cockroaches. This is irrelevant because Shalampaxians are incapable of growing or raising anything even if our land was sufficiently large and fertile.
As a result, until now, with the exception of cockroaches, all of the meat we eat here is imported, usually in a frozen state. The prospect of finally being able to chow down on some fresh meat in one of our restaurants excites me.
I plan to hurry into Rottentomato’s restaurant as quickly as I can. I suggest that you do the same. Rottentomato has become very proficient at catching rats. Consequently, we might be rat-free and once again dependent on imported meat (apart from cockroaches) before you know it. In other words, supplies may be limited so don’t delay.
In related news, the Shalampax Health Clinic has, after conducting research sponsored by Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant, declared that the rat meat used in Rottentomato’s Carnivores’ Surprise likely doesn’t contain enough rat poisoning to be a serious, let alone fatal problem for most people.
Furthermore, thanks to experience gained from Rottentomato’s past culinary experiments, the Shalampax Health Clinic is now able to achieve a very high success rate when administering antitoxin treatments. Thus, even if the worst should happen, there’s a somewhat better than even chance that it won’t be fatal.
So, my fellow Shalampaxians, be sure to enjoy this gastronomic delight that the fates have bestowed upon us while it is still available.
