Shalampax Speaks

We received a comment from Freddie Miranda, a travel blogger, on a recent blog post here in Shalampax Speaks. Freddie wanted to interview us for a blog post he hoped to write about our tiny island of Shalampax. Because we forbid tourists on our island, I responded somewhat negatively to his request.

I just received a call from our Prime Minister, Manexposinghimself, demanding that I change my response and that I, instead, encourage Freddie, and all travel bloggers, to write about Shalampax.

Unbeknownst to me and just about everyone outside of the government, the Government of Shalampax is considering changing its long-standing policy against tourism. A limited tourist trade may soon be allowed here.

This change has nothing to do with a desire for tourism revenue. In fact, there is a fear that increased outside exposure will have serious, negative legal repercussions for our exceptionally lucrative spam and religion industries. If that’s the case, any meager tourism dollars wouldn’t come anywhere close to making up for the loss, not by a long shot. However, the government has devised a way to ensure that any exposure of our other industries to the outside world is kept to a minimum, as will become clear when you read the rest of this post.

Rather than a desire for tourism profits, the true reason for this possible change in government policy that will allow, if the required legislation is passed, limited tourism is quite simple. Due to  the fact that we don’t raise our own cattle—or grow our own crops, for that matter—meat is very expensive in Shalampax because it all has to be shipped here from overseas.

What’s more, because of the hazardous climate around our shores, not only do food supply ships take a long time to get here, but they often have to wait weeks or even months before they can dock. As a result, all meat shipped here must be frozen to ensure that it doesn’t spoil before it can be landed on our shores. And we must keep a large supply frozen to ensure that we have an inventory that is adequate to feed us until the next ship can dock here. Unfortunately, frozen meat doesn’t have as good a flavor as fresh meat.

Limited tourism is seen as a way to solve both these problems—high meat prices and the lack of fresh meat. It has always been our custom to deal with unwanted visitors—which means just about anyone who hasn’t been contracted to do some manual labor we need done—through cannibalism. I think you see where the government is going here.

Not only will a limited, steady stream of tourists provide us with a source of fresh meat, but we won’t have to pay for that meat. In fact, the meat will pay us for the honor of being allowed to visit our island.

Visit Shalampax for a unique travel experience.

I will admit that the tourist amenities on our island are scant. As you can see from the accompanying picture of Shalampax, we have only one building on our island. We don’t have any hotel rooms as such in the building, but for a very reasonable fee—much less than what you’d spend on even a modestly priced hotel in a big city—most Shalampaxians would be happy to let you sleep with them, no matter what your sex or sexual orientation.

Because of the almost constantly hazardous seas around our island, bringing tourists here will be difficult. However, we think that by offloading tourists from cruise ships onto smaller, more nimble inflatable boats, we will be able to bring in as many as 10 tourists a day, with the voyages resulting in a casualty rate of no more than a 50 percent.

I know this sounds like a rather unusual and not entirely pleasant tourist experience, but think of the benefits! You likely won’t need to pay for more than a couple of nights here. In addition, a one-way ticket will suffice. Think of all the money you will save compared to most other vacation hotspots!

So, Freddie and all other travel bloggers, we would be pleased to have you promote Shalampax to your readers.