Religco, the founder and owner of the Infinitiaty religion, is Shalampax’s largest and most profitable religion company by far. Rumor has it that the company is now developing a new faith that it is expected to be a strong contender in the religion market space.
I have a usually reliable, if somewhat tired and tiring source within the company who insists on remaining anonymous due to the multiple Interpol warrants filed against her. She is one of the four large-breasted, free-spirited, highly paid in-house massage therapists who provide nude (both massager and massagee), full-body (both massager and massagee) massages to male employees, as well as to female employees who are so inclined. The massages are an employment perk that compensates for slave wages. In their spare time, the massage therapists like to massage themselves when they are alone, and often in front of audiences as well.
My source tells me that Religco is working on a religion that won’t have a god. Instead, the core premise of the religion is that our planet and everything on it—including us—are all part of an elaborate dream of a mortal, Isadora Belle, sleeping on the planet Ruilslu.
Filthylucre, Shalampax’s Minister of Finance, has developed an economic action plan that is a stroke of pure genius. No, let me stop myself right there. “Genius” doesn’t begin to describe its sagacity. Even “super-awesomely brilliant” would be damning it with faint praise.
What is truly amazing is that, despite the phenomenal value that it will generate, not just for Shalampax, but for the whole world, the entire plan consists of only the following five simple steps:
- Design, engineer and build two pairs of undersea railway tubes. One pair will allow for bi-directional railway traffic between Shalampax and the United States. The other pair will allow for bi-directional railway traffic between Shalampax and China.??
Due to ventilation issues in such a long undersea tube, the trains will have to use electric propulsion rather than diesel engines. The trains will also have to be fitted with air scrubbers for any human-inhabited cars.
??The optimal technology for this project would be magnetic levitation but, due to the high cost of maglev, we’ll use more conventional electric locomotives because we recognize need to make sacrifices in pursuit of fiscal restraint.
- Thanks to our religion and spam industries, Shalampax is the richest country in the world, both on an absolute and a per-capita basis. However, all of the country’s capital—both government and private—is tied up in overseas investments. Besides, as astronomical as our wealth is, it would still not be enough to finance this gargantuan project.
??Therefore, the Government of Shalampax will borrow all of the necessary funds from the world’s largest banks, the world’s medium sized banks, and the world’s small banks—i.e., all banks—as well as from other countries’ sovereign wealth funds. The government will use its worldwide holdings of wholly owned companies as collateral for these loans.
Shortly after dawn yesterday morning, before any less-insomniac Shalampaxians had yet prodded open their eyes following their nighttime slumbers, Bloodynose, CEO of Spams R Us, Shalampax’s leading spam company, awoke and witnessed the most beautiful rainbow imaginable outside his window. Living in a part of the world where the climate rarely affords any break in the wretched gloom, this was a rare, bewitching experience for Bloodynose, as it would have been for any Shalampaxian had he or she not slept through it.
The colors were more vivid than Bloodynose thought possible. The refracted and reflected multi-hued light shone so intensely that it fully illuminated his room, chasing away all lesser light that had the temerity to attempt to glow before it. Dazzling reds, yellows, oranges, greens, blues, violets and all of the other colors of the spectrum provided temporary decoration for his otherwise unadorned, humdrum bedroom.
The rainbow appeared so close that Bloodynose thought that if he could have just figured out some heretofore-unimagined way to smash the bulletproof glass in his window, and then shattered it and stuck his likely bloodied hand through the shard-fringed hole, he would have been able to reach out and touch the magnificent arc of painted light. But, he lamented, that was impossible.
I have some very exciting news! Exposednipple has found a large pool of oil under Shalampax! Nobody knew it was there and geologists told us it was impossible for oil to have formed under our island’s rock structure, but there it is nonetheless. It wouldn’t be the first time that scientists were proven wrong, particularly scientists from Shalampax.
Without telling anyone, Exposednipple drilled his exploratory well through the floor of an unused room in the basement of Shalampax’s building. To protect his discovery from prying eyes and thieving hands he keeps the room sealed behind a solid steel door and with an unbreakable lock. No one other than Exposednipple has ever seen the current contents of that room.
We don’t yet have an estimate of the volume of the reserves of oil, but I have it directly from Exposednipple that it is huge. He says that, considering the maximum pumping speeds that can be achieved with the available technologies and the limited space for wellhead equipment, one might as well consider it to be infinite. According to him, there is enough oil to last a great many lifetimes and he is, naturally, concerned only with his lifetime. That’s just the sort of guy he is.
You’ve got to hand it to Asskisser. Her business acumen is unimpeachable. And when I say “You’ve got to hand it to Asskisser,” by “it” I mean all of your money because, one way or another, she’s going to get it one of these days anyway.
A while back, I told you about Asskisser’s new asbestos mining and mesothelioma lawsuit businesses. They are going gangbusters. In fact, she has literally busted a few gangs. But that’s another story. Never mind. Enough said, if you know what I mean.
Fabulously successful though she may already be, Asskisser is not willing to rest on her laurels. She is already expanding her law firm. She recently announced that, effective immediately, her firm is aggressively pursuing medical malpractice suits. Of course she’ll be working for the plaintiffs, not the defendants. That is, after all, where the money is. And Asskisser is certainly someone who fully appreciates the value of civil law—or uncivil law whenever necessary to win her case.
Again, as with her asbestos mining and mesothelioma lawsuit businesses, fulsome vertical and horizontal industry integration is an integral part of her business plan. And her plans go beyond the obvious notion of ferociously pursuing medical malpractice suites against any doctor or hospital that makes the slightest misstep when treating one of her mesothelioma lawsuit clients. Of course, she will prosecute those malpractice suits, but her scheme is much broader than that.
Asskisser, one of Shalampax’s most innovative and successful businesspeople, is busy executing one of her biggest, boldest business brainstorms yet. She is quietly buying up as many of the world’s asbestos mines as she can get her hands on.
Of course, I don’t mean literally “get her hands on.” That stuff is almost certainly carcinogenic. Mesothelioma is a particular concern, among other deadly cancers. But you get my point.
What makes this strategy so clever is that in the world beyond Shalampax there are a great many weak-kneed, lily-livered businesspeople who are nervous about mining and selling asbestos due to fears of cancer. As a result, she can pick up the mines for a song—and not a very good song at that; maybe just a poorly hummed ditty.
It is true that asbestos sales have been declining over the years. Business analysts claim this is due to those aforementioned widespread fears of cancer, particularly mesothelioma. But Asskisser knows that these analysts are full of crap. She has sufficient business acumen to know that the real reason for the decline in asbestos sales is an appalling lack of ingenuity and marketing expertise on the part of asbestos sellers.