Religco, the founder and owner of the Infinitiaty religion, is Shalampax’s largest and most profitable religion company by far. Rumor has it that the company is now developing a new faith that it is expected to be a strong contender in the religion market space.
I have a usually reliable, if somewhat tired and tiring source within the company who insists on remaining anonymous due to the multiple Interpol warrants filed against her. She is one of the four large-breasted, free-spirited, highly paid in-house massage therapists who provide nude (both massager and massagee), full-body (both massager and massagee) massages to male employees, as well as to female employees who are so inclined. The massages are an employment perk that compensates for slave wages. In their spare time, the massage therapists like to massage themselves when they are alone, and often in front of audiences as well.
My source tells me that Religco is working on a religion that won’t have a god. Instead, the core premise of the religion is that our planet and everything on it—including us—are all part of an elaborate dream of a mortal, Isadora Belle, sleeping on the planet Ruilslu.
Shortly after dawn yesterday morning, before any less-insomniac Shalampaxians had yet prodded open their eyes following their nighttime slumbers, Bloodynose, CEO of Spams R Us, Shalampax’s leading spam company, awoke and witnessed the most beautiful rainbow imaginable outside his window. Living in a part of the world where the climate rarely affords any break in the wretched gloom, this was a rare, bewitching experience for Bloodynose, as it would have been for any Shalampaxian had he or she not slept through it.
The colors were more vivid than Bloodynose thought possible. The refracted and reflected multi-hued light shone so intensely that it fully illuminated his room, chasing away all lesser light that had the temerity to attempt to glow before it. Dazzling reds, yellows, oranges, greens, blues, violets and all of the other colors of the spectrum provided temporary decoration for his otherwise unadorned, humdrum bedroom.
The rainbow appeared so close that Bloodynose thought that if he could have just figured out some heretofore-unimagined way to smash the bulletproof glass in his window, and then shattered it and stuck his likely bloodied hand through the shard-fringed hole, he would have been able to reach out and touch the magnificent arc of painted light. But, he lamented, that was impossible.
I have some very exciting news! Exposednipple has found a large pool of oil under Shalampax! Nobody knew it was there and geologists told us it was impossible for oil to have formed under our island’s rock structure, but there it is nonetheless. It wouldn’t be the first time that scientists were proven wrong, particularly scientists from Shalampax.
Without telling anyone, Exposednipple drilled his exploratory well through the floor of an unused room in the basement of Shalampax’s building. To protect his discovery from prying eyes and thieving hands he keeps the room sealed behind a solid steel door and with an unbreakable lock. No one other than Exposednipple has ever seen the current contents of that room.
We don’t yet have an estimate of the volume of the reserves of oil, but I have it directly from Exposednipple that it is huge. He says that, considering the maximum pumping speeds that can be achieved with the available technologies and the limited space for wellhead equipment, one might as well consider it to be infinite. According to him, there is enough oil to last a great many lifetimes and he is, naturally, concerned only with his lifetime. That’s just the sort of guy he is.
You’ve got to hand it to Asskisser. Her business acumen is unimpeachable. And when I say “You’ve got to hand it to Asskisser,” by “it” I mean all of your money because, one way or another, she’s going to get it one of these days anyway.
A while back, I told you about Asskisser’s new asbestos mining and mesothelioma lawsuit businesses. They are going gangbusters. In fact, she has literally busted a few gangs. But that’s another story. Never mind. Enough said, if you know what I mean.
Fabulously successful though she may already be, Asskisser is not willing to rest on her laurels. She is already expanding her law firm. She recently announced that, effective immediately, her firm is aggressively pursuing medical malpractice suits. Of course she’ll be working for the plaintiffs, not the defendants. That is, after all, where the money is. And Asskisser is certainly someone who fully appreciates the value of civil law—or uncivil law whenever necessary to win her case.
Again, as with her asbestos mining and mesothelioma lawsuit businesses, fulsome vertical and horizontal industry integration is an integral part of her business plan. And her plans go beyond the obvious notion of ferociously pursuing medical malpractice suites against any doctor or hospital that makes the slightest misstep when treating one of her mesothelioma lawsuit clients. Of course, she will prosecute those malpractice suits, but her scheme is much broader than that.
Hey peeps, long time no peep.
Shalampaxians are known for their financial wizardry. Most of us are masters of business. (Then again, much of what’s called business in Shalampax is called an indictable offence elsewhere.) Nonetheless, there is one dollar-dullard in Shalampax, Shreddeddollar. His name is purely coincidental.
Not able to control his spending, Shreddeddollar owed large sums of money to several banks, credit card companies and loan sharks. Desperate and near suicidal, he turned to a local loan consolidator, Credit SeaPredators, Inc., for help.
Loan consolidation is a simple concept. Combine outstanding debts—some of which may carry a very high interest rate—into a single loan with a lower interest rate. However, Shreddeddollar didn’t understand any of the basic concepts of loan consolidation. Nor did he know any of the traps to watch out for in loan contracts.
Asskisser, one of Shalampax’s most innovative and successful businesspeople, is busy executing one of her biggest, boldest business brainstorms yet. She is quietly buying up as many of the world’s asbestos mines as she can get her hands on.
Of course, I don’t mean literally “get her hands on.” That stuff is almost certainly carcinogenic. Mesothelioma is a particular concern, among other deadly cancers. But you get my point.
What makes this strategy so clever is that in the world beyond Shalampax there are a great many weak-kneed, lily-livered businesspeople who are nervous about mining and selling asbestos due to fears of cancer. As a result, she can pick up the mines for a song—and not a very good song at that; maybe just a poorly hummed ditty.
It is true that asbestos sales have been declining over the years. Business analysts claim this is due to those aforementioned widespread fears of cancer, particularly mesothelioma. But Asskisser knows that these analysts are full of crap. She has sufficient business acumen to know that the real reason for the decline in asbestos sales is an appalling lack of ingenuity and marketing expertise on the part of asbestos sellers.