Peeps, if you’ve been reading Shalampax Speaks for some time, you’ve likely been wondering what happened to Openfly. To be perfectly honest, so have I. For about four months now, neither she nor Doctor Don have responded to any of my many emails.
I was beginning to think that the ship they were on had sunk with all hands—not to mention all other body parts—lost. But no, Openfly is very much alive and she’s finally gotten back in touch with me.
The first news to tell you is that the experiment in which Dr. Don was trying to disprove his own hypothesis that Shalampaxians are not Homo sapiens has ended. As you’ll remember, in that experiment, Dr. Don, who is presumably Homo sapiens, was trying to impregnate Openfly, who is very much a Shalampaxian.
Hi peeps, in my last post I told you about Openfly miraculously stumbling upon Marie in a bar in Honolulu. Here’s the latest. Marie left Hawaii yesterday and returned to her place in California. Before going, she invited Openfly to join her. Openfly, not having anything better to do, went.
Openfly assures me that she is in the United States legally. She claims that, on the advice of Marie, she checked in with an office of the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (CIS) shortly after docking in Honolulu and sharing a drink or two or three with Marie. According to Openfly, CIS granted her a B-2 tourist visa that allows her to stay in the United States for up to six months.
I find this rather bizarre because very few countries recognize Shalampax. And among those handful of nations that do acknowledge our country, none, to the best of my knowledge, recognizes our passports due to the fact that they are printed on newsprint using a cheap inkjet printer and the picture is stapled on.
Peeps, if you’re not sitting or lying down I strongly recommend that you do so. I cannot be held responsible for any injuries you may suffer when you collapse in shock upon hearing the news I’m about to relate.
Do you remember the experiment that Dr. Don proposed while Openfly was on the ship? You remember. Dr. Don suggested that the way to prove that Shalampaxians are members of the Homo sapiens species—something that Dr. Don doubted—was for a Homo sapiens, namely Dr. Don, to impregnate Openfly. If the pregnancy resulted in a viable human baby, that would mean that Openfly must be Homo sapiens.
Well, it turns out that the experiment was unnecessary. A product of sex between a Shalampaxian and a non-Shalampaxian has been living on this earth for about 55 years. Can you believe it? Marie was pregnant when she fled Shalampax!
It is well known that Marie was knocked up a few times in the approximately two years she was here. Her promiscuity back then was limited only by the hours in the day. (Openfly tells me that, from what she can tell, age has slowed Marie down, but only a little. Openfly is impressed.)
Peeps, I’m flabbergasted. At least, I think I’m flabbergasted. I don’t actually know what that word means, but it sounds about right and I’ve wanted to use it for a long time now.
If you read my last column you know that Marie revealed to Openfly that Marie was pregnant when she left Shalampax. After she returned to America, Marie gave birth to a girl, MadMadMargo, whose father was, obviously, Shalampaxian.
The story might have ended there, but more shocking news followed. Someone claiming to be MadMadMargo posted a couple of comments on my last column. I have to assume that it is the same MadMadMargo that Marie said was her daughter because how many MadMadMargoes can there be in this world?
MadMadMargo claims that she was left in an orphanage near New Orleans when she was a baby. She was adopted, raised by a loving family and never knew her biological parents.
Hi, peeps. If you haven’t been following my columns on Openfly’s adventures in America, you should spend a few minutes reading the previous ones (there aren’t that many yet). Otherwise, this will get confusing.
There’s an easy way to get caught up. The “Openfly Serial – Part 2” category in the navigation menu to the right includes all of my articles in this series sorted in forward chronological-order, as opposed to the reverse chronological-order that is the blogging standard.
Last time, we learned that when Marie returned to America she first lived above a strip joint on Iberville Street in New Orleans and, after she gave birth and subsequently got her figure back, she started stripping there.
MadMadMargo, who may be the daughter that Marie gave up for adoption (I’m told that we might have the DNA-based maternity test results back in as little as a few days and certainly no more than a couple of weeks), posted a comment on my last article. When, about 30 years ago, MadMadMargo visited an old friend in New Orleans, that friend’s apartment on Iberville Street was only two doors away from the Cher-Marie strip club. In her comment, MadMadMargo asked if that was the same strip joint that Marie lived above and worked in.
Remember peeps, if you’ve been a laggard in reading my columns, you can always get caught up quickly on Openfly’s adventures in America by looking at the Openfly Serial – Part 2 category in the navigation menu to the right. It lists all of my posts in this series in forward chronological order.
Today, I can report that we are getting closer to finding out if Marie is MadMadMargo’s biological mother and whether MadMadMargo’s biological father is Shalampaxian. I also have a hunch about who that father might be, but proving or disproving that will take considerably longer.
MadMadMargo and Marie both sent DNA samples to labs for analysis. A few days ago, in a comment on my previous post, MadMadMargo said she expects to have her results within 10 days and promised to email them to me.