Peeps, we have a mystery on our hands! Our very own glamour-girl-in-her-own-mind and celebrity wannabe, Openfly, is missing.
Her disappearance was first noticed by Shalampax’s crackerjack part-time cop and full-time bartender, Buttertart. Well into his shift at the bar, Buttertart realized that Openfly hadn’t yet come in for her regular five pre-dinner cocktails or her four post-dinner liqueurs.
Buttertart was concerned because Openfly hadn’t missed a single one of her nightly drinking sessions for at least five years. Her absence was particularly disconcerting because she was responsible for a large part of the bar’s revenue.
Upon closing the bar four hours after noticing Openfly’s absence, Buttertart leapt into action in his role as Shalampax’s only police officer. By “leapt into action” I mean that he immediately hopped into bed for a restful night’s sleep so he could be fully refreshed when he began his investigations ten hours later.
Peeps, if you’re regular readers of my column you’ll remember that a few days ago I told you that Openfly was missing. Well, she’s been found!
Actually, “found” isn’t quite the right word. “Heard from” is more accurate.
Openfly has Internet access and has been exchanging emails with her best friend, Cherrytart. In fact, it seems that this communication has been going on for a couple of days now. Cherrytart tried to keep it a secret because, as you’ll recall from my previous post, she was hoping Openfly would be declared to be presumed dead, freeing up her apartment to be taken over by Cherrytart.
The only reason I learned of Openfly’s emails is that Cherrytart inadvertently left her computer on, with one of the emails up on the screen, when one of her lovers dropped by. Cherrytart went into the bathroom, where she spent 45 minutes trying to make herself as aesthetically appealing as any Shalampaxian can possible make herself or himself look, which is still several notches on the hideous side of plug-ugly.
While she was in the bathroom, her lover du jour or, to me more accurate, lover d’heure, spotted the email. He read it and then went through Cherrytart’s inbox and read all of the other recent emails from Openfly as well.
Hey peeps, I have more news in what seems to be shaping up to be a continuing saga of Openfly’s flight from Shalamapax.
You’ll recall that in my last post I told you that Openfly refused to communicate with any Shalampaxian other than her best friend, Cherrytart. That was true. However, I found out that Openfly has been able to use her own email account while aboard the ship.
I sent her a message begging her to speak with me about her ordeal. At first she refused, but I successfully bribed her to change her mind. I told her that if she ever comes back to Shalampax I will pick up her bar tab for a full week if she took me into her confidence.
I’m hoping she never comes back. I’m fairly wealthy, but I don’t have enough money to cover her tab for a day, let alone a week. And I don’t think anyone would be willing to loan me that much money.
Well peeps, the ongoing tale of Openfly continues. And it just keeps getting weirder.
I mentioned last time that I emailed Dr. Donald Rivers (Don), the zoologist who is holding Openfly captive on a research ship. In my first email to him I asked him why he locked her up. Since then, we’ve exchanged a number of emails.
The email stream is much too long to paste in its entirety here. Instead, the following is a synopsis of our exchange:
Me: Openfly tells me that you locked her in an observation room after she said she wouldn’t have sex with you for a few days. Is that true?
Gee peeps, it’s beginning to look as if I’m never again going to have time to report on anything but Openfly’s ongoing escapade. I wish I could convince one or two of the other bloggers here at Shalampax Speaks to pick up at least some of this story. Fat chance of that.
Oh well, here’s the latest scoop.
The ship that Openfly is being held captive on has reached a port. Dr. Don refuses to tell Openfly or me where that is. He says he’s keeping his location a secret for “security reasons,” but I have no idea why he thinks he needs security.
Hi, peeps. As you have no doubt come to expect, I have more to tell in the ongoing Openfly tale. Dr. Don sent me a preliminary report based on only a couple of days of observing Openfly and the bonobo.
Unlike some of his other correspondence, I was able to understand this one. So, to save you time, I’ll encapsulate the report rather than reprint the whole excruciatingly long, boring document. (If this is only a preliminary report, we’re going to have to hijack more Internet bandwidth before he sends the full final report.)
Dr. Don opened with a warning that both Openfly and the bonobo were aware they were being observed and, as a result, their behaviors might have been inhibited. Recognizing Dr. Don’s fondness for Openfly, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that Openfly has never shown any sign of restraining even the basest of her behaviors when being observed, or at any other time.