Posts Tagged ‘religion’

New Godless Religion

December 11th, 2012 No comments

Religco, the founder and owner of the Infinitiaty religion, is Shalampax’s largest and most profitable religion company by far. Rumor has it that the company is now developing a new faith that it is expected to be a strong contender in the religion market space.

I have a usually reliable, if somewhat tired and tiring source within the company who insists on remaining anonymous due to the multiple Interpol warrants filed against her. She is one of the four large-breasted, free-spirited, highly paid in-house massage therapists who provide nude (both massager and massagee), full-body (both massager and massagee) massages to male employees, as well as to female employees who are so inclined. The massages are an employment perk that compensates for slave wages. In their spare time, the massage therapists like to massage themselves when they are alone, and often in front of audiences as well.

My source tells me that Religco is working on a religion that won’t have a god. Instead, the core premise of the religion is that our planet and everything on it—including us—are all part of an elaborate dream of a mortal, Isadora Belle, sleeping on the planet Ruilslu.

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Prayer Services Cancelled

June 28th, 2012 No comments

Paahlm, our God, has given us a clear sign that He wants us to refrain from organized prayer for a while. He made His wishes known by turning the Shalampax Paahlmist chapel, the only chapel in Shalampax, over to a colossal swarm of large, unfriendly, ugly cockroaches.

Because they are some of Paahm’s creatures, we can’t have the cockroaches exterminated. Instead, we must wait for them to leave on their own accord or for Paahlm to encourage them to leave.

As a result, prayer services have been cancelled until further notice. All those misfortunate enough to be employed may, however, continue to take days off work for all religious holidays. In addition, feel free to pray, or just mumble incoherently, privately at your own pace, but please try to refrain from annoying others if you do so in their presence.

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Categories: Sprituality Tags: , ,

Escape from God 148 Piety

August 7th, 2011 No comments

I am pleased to report that most Shalampaxians have emaciated themselves into accepting the inescapable truth that forsaking their devout worship of God 148 is the only sane and survivable course of action, despite the inevitability of being denounced as infidels and shunned by those few souls who are still pious in their God 148ly beliefs and deeds. Consequently, the apostates are now on the road to recovery with the help of a much needed, greatly appreciated orgy of gluttonous feasting.

However, because they discovered that they have a fundamental personal shortcoming, not all of my compatriots have been able to follow my path in going cold turkey and completely giving up on religion. Deprived of the benefit of the excuse of God 148’s insistence on strict observance of Her full-week-minus-a-second Sabbath, they are incapable of finding their own reasons for sloth. Rather than forsaking all God-given excuses for indolence and thereby being expected to work what, in most of the developed world, would be considered to be a full workweek, many have reverted fully to Paahlmism, but others have moved their spiritual allegiances a single God down the line in the infinite hierarchy of Infinitiaty’s Gods. They now worship God 147.

God 147 is not as efficient as God 148. Unlike God 148, who created Her universe and all of the creatures in it in less than one second and then rested for the remainder of the week, God 147 took three days to complete His universe- and creature-creating tasks and then rested for four days. Thus, worshippers of God 147 are required to honor only a four-day-per-week Sabbath.

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Cockroach Sustenance

July 11th, 2011 No comments

Something strange has been happening here in Shalampax. And, until recently, I haven’t been able to explain it. We used to be overrun with cockroaches.

The little buggers thrived here because, although we hated them, we were too lazy to do anything about them. Nobody ever vacuumed or swept their apartments because that was too much work. And extermination? That would require way too much effort.

Rather than feeling shame over our slovenly ways that fostered the cockroach infestation, we tried to boost our self-esteem by telling ourselves that the pests were really pets. Pets have to be fed, don’t they? By leaving food droppings where they lay we were simply feeding our pets, which, of course, was the humane thing to do. We anxiously awaited our commendation from PETA.

Of course, we fooled no one—not even ourselves—and we are generally quite easily fooled, particularly when fooling ourselves provides a useful excuse for a slovenly lifestyle.

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Categories: Sprituality Tags: , , ,

God 148 Quirks

July 8th, 2011 No comments

In my last couple of posts (here and here) I told you about some of the disadvantages of worshipping God 148. There are others. For example, She expects us to punish adulteresses by stoning them to death. We are supposed to punish male adulterers by forcing them to gather the stones used to stone the adulteresses. Considering that God 148 has a female God number, We thought it rather strange that women should warrant a far harsher punishment than men for the same crime, but it seems that all of the Gods are misogynists, regardless of their assigned gender.

Stoning is a problem for us.

It’s not that we object on moral grounds. Because God 148 commands it, morals and rational thought don’t come into play whatsoever. It’s just that no loose stones could withstand the strong winds that sweep our island several times a day. Thus, we have no materials that we can use to carry out God 148’s tough-love sentence.

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Categories: Sprituality Tags: , ,

Full-time Prayer

July 6th, 2011 2 comments

In my previous post, I told you about some of the pitfalls of choosing God 148 as the one God to worship out of all the infinite number of Gods, but I didn’t mention the worst of it. The praying required when God 148 is your God is unbearable.

The content of the prayers isn’t a problem. Unlike God One, God 148 is a very self-confident deity, secure in Her supremeness. Thus, She doesn’t expect us to regularly sing Her praises and tell Her how great she is. She is well aware of Her Majesty and doesn’t need any mere mortal to remind her of it.

Nor does God 148 require any specific words in prayers to Her. We are free to make it up as we go along, ask whatever we will of Her, and put it in our own words. All Shalampaxians have reputations of being somewhat less inspired beings than long-dead tree stumps. So we were surprised to learn that some of us were quite lyrical and inspiring in our prayers. Praying was almost enjoyable, unlike the tedium of God One’s prescribed liturgy.

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Categories: Sprituality Tags: , ,